Ketamine Saved Me!

     I still do not know what made me stop.  My boyfriend at the time made me spit what I had not swallowed out and threw the pills out.  There was an acquaintance in town that said he was here to help me because of the issues with the Naltrexone I was having, but once again, hindsight, he was here for selfish reasons.  My now ex walked away, handed the pills and medications that I had not hidden to the acquaintance and told him to deal with me.   I had already called Barby and told her what had happened and begged for helped.   Within a few days I was at Arizona Depression Recovery in Scottsdale.  The acquaintance I am thankful for, he paid for the first 6 ketamine infusions which helped stabilize my condition.   But it was not without some struggle.  I felt better after the initial infusion, anxiety was not as high but still there and I knew I still had a hill to climb to feeling better.

The Backstory:

     Besides the things I have discussed in my previous entries, there are several things I have failed to mention that I have overcome during all of this and to understand what has happened since I need to back up a little.  The guy I met in May of 2009, I was with during this entire journey up to this point, but he was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive.   So was his mother.  They are the ones that took me out of the hospital in May of 2010 after coming off the medications, they just believed that I needed to get out of my own head that I was not crazy, that my mom was nuts for even putting me on the meds.  This made me estranged from my mom and the relationship was extremely strained with her.  I was not thinking clearly or for myself.   After the accident and the surgery, my now ex was not there, he was always gone and only wanted to party.   I felt like it was my fault for being sick, I felt like I was driving him to his behavior.  When I left for La Jolla, I had received my settlement from insurance for the accident, I spent over half of it paying for us to live in La Jolla in a nice area and he chose to leave because he had to pay for his truck and truck insurance.  He got angry, he wanted a free ride, but when he did show up in La Jolla for a weekend, he did nothing to help me, if I had appointments he dropped me off, went home and slept, he wouldn't walk the dogs or take them to go to the bathroom.  All he wanted to do was sleep, party with his friend and do what he wanted when he wanted.  He felt entitled because he chose to go back to Arizona to work so he felt it was his mini vacation.  I so wanted to the relationship to work I let him blame.  He was constantly on me about the clothes I wore, the color and way I did my hair and how I talked.   So much was going on I was blind to what he was doing.  At the same time, my mom saw it and couldn't handle it and it cause that relationship to be severely strained.  When I came home all my ex wanted to do was party, stay out all night and no matter what I was lame, I was awful if I wanted to go home and he would never leave he had to be the last to leave.  He also had an issue with drugs and alcohol.  I tried to get him to stop, I couldn't do them or keep up nor did I want to and he hated that.  

To Continue:

   This is where things continue.  After the suicide attempt things with my ex and I were distant.  I was running the books for his company and had received a part time job for a friend of ours with a several businesses here doing administrative work.  It still was not enough for ex.  He wanted more from me even though I had not been on my feet long and was still dealing with managing the chronic pain and learning how to live.  Just after the 5th treatment in April of 2014, he asked me to leave, I tried and things blew up in my face.  I won't go into details for legal reasons but although going through that day and the issues after the fact were not easy, it was the best thing to happen to me.  I moved back in with my mom and continued monthly with my Ketamine treatments.  Life started to really change for me.   Things were completely turning a different corner.